Starting Again 

Good morning. I’ve been up all night (well, all week) coughing up one, perhaps both, of my lungs and the time where I will have to try and remove myself from the safety of the duvet  (I’m full burrito) and stumble, half asleep, to the tube is fast approaching. I can’t really believe it’s December 12th, very almost the middle of the month, I’ve spent the past two weeks in total denial that the end of this year is upon us. I haven’t even demolished my advent calendar, which is something I’ve usually achieved by the end of week one. Well, I haven’t demolished it yet.

This year hasn’t really gone to plan for me and I think it was the best thing that ever could have happened. While the rest of the world seems to be marking 2016 as the year where everything fell to pieces, I have to admit I’m ever so in love with the year where everything fell into place for me, entirely by accident. For the first time, well ever, I feel like I know what I want to do and where I want to be. I’ve accepted that there’s no fast forward button and I’m feeling really chill about the whole “living for the now” thing. I sound very preachy there, to be clear, I still haven’t mastered the whole adulting right thing, I had chocolate for breakfast today, but what I’m trying to say is that I’m not going to feel guilty about the fact that sometimes I just can’t be arsed to make porridge.

Perhaps it has something to do with graduating from University, perhaps it’s the end of living in shared accommadation, perhaps it’s the fact I’ve found something I love doing, something I’m good at and something that actually pays all in one or perhaps it’s that I’ve discovered I like coffee now. Maybe it’s a combination of all of these things, but for the first time in as long as I remember I feel happy almost all of the time. I’ve stopped feeling unnecessarily anxious, I’ve stopped doubting myself and most importantly I’ve stopped waiting around for the “next thing”, which always seemed to bring it’s own wave of negativity to whatever I was doing. For example, writing here.

I wrote only a handful of times, a few of which I went on to delete. I never felt like what I was writing would actually be something I’d want to go back and read because I wasn’t really enjoying the present moment. At the end of the day, this blog is supposed to be a little memory box for me. So, not feeling positive about what I put here made me feel negative about the whole thing! But now, I feel like I’m in a way more positive mindset and I want to try writing again. So, I’m going to do my best to stick around here this time, and not go on another 4 month hiatus! Perhaps it’ll be my new years resolution for 2017, I’m just starting it a little early.

Happy Winter ❤️

 

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